I Hate Fidget Spinners

Let me preface this story by stating that I think fidget spinners are the DUMBEST, most useless things in the world, and if you own one of your own free will, I hate you.

I get that it's a fun little gadget to have when you're bored--and I totally get why people would have them (but they don't make me hate them any less). Fidget spinners are this generation's Beanie Babies or Silly Bandz.

But for the love of ALL THAT IS FUCKING SANE can we seriously just bring it down maybe a thousand notches?

It's everywhere.

On Instagram, at work, on the streets.

Fidget spinners wouldn't be so damn annoying if they weren't constantly being shoved down my fucking throat 24/7 on social media and in real life.

So then the conversation emerged when my friend *Duo approached me with horrifying news that his friend *Trowa (millennial male, estimated age 26) bought a fidget spinner under the delusion that he'd be able to pick up girls with a fidget spinner.

LOL, WHAT THE FUCK. For real dude?

DUO: One of my friends bought a fidget spinner. How do I cure him?
ME: You don't. You should abandon all hope.
DUO: Do I euthanize?
ME: Yes, he's as good as gone.
DUO: I knew it. Time to bring out the shovel and chloroform.
ME: Someone that terrible should get the post-WWII special--death by firing squad.
DUO: Goodbye Trowa, I always sort of liked you.
ME: Trowa, are you proud of yourself? How do you live with yourself after disappointing your mother like that? You're a grown man.

Then Duo sent me this:

This is the moment I realized I abandoned all hope in humanity.

This is the moment I realized I abandoned all hope in humanity.

ME: Honestly, tell Trowa that no sluts want any part of that. Literally, that is a virgin magnet. The only people who think fidget spinners are cool are other dudes who already own them and think they're cool.
DUO: No worries, I doubled down my Chase reward points to see if he could really pull it off.
ME: I can settle this for you right now.

Then after, I asked a bunch of my female friends a very non-leading, non-loaded question to which these responses came back:

So basically, the moral of the story is your Chase reward points will be just fine if you take on a bet that is incredibly slanted to your benefit.

*All names have been changed because I felt like it.

Hangover