I Knocked Myself Unconscious In Front Of My Crush

When I was fourteen years old, I had a crush on *Sunshine. Sunshine had this blonde hair that fell over his eyes, only exposing his prominent, large nose. He had a large smile with perfect teeth and was an aspiring dancer. I was an awkward, naive kid transitioning into the era of shithood we call "adolescence," so, naturally, I was nervous because I had never had any kind of romantic relationship up until that point. Kids, right? It's not like that this was anything even close, but I guess you could have said that this was my first romantic fling ever. Sunshine and I spent a lot of time together talking, joking around, flirting through texts, and just doing stupid stuff that average fourteen year old kids do.

One random day, we were hanging out at my friend *Kitty's house. Kitty's house was stunning. She lived in one of those country club homes with a backyard view of the golf course and a porch view of the city--it made my house look like a dilapidated shack scraped together for indentured servants. It put my home to shame. She had maids who cleaned her immaculate, beautifully decorated, marble floored, and crown molded home spotless. To a fourteen year old, it was like visiting Versailles. Kitty, her boyfriend, Sunshine and I were all hanging out at her sick place--swimming, sandwiches, a movie, some games. A few hours passed and eventually it was time for Sunshine to leave. I walked him outside to the side door which led to an exit from the backyard. He gave me a big hug that made my knees turn to liquid and warmed my stomach. He turned to go, so I faced the door away from him and gave myself a little smile. Ecstatic, I started to sprint back into the house to tell Kitty what had happened.

BAAAAAAAAAANG.

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Unfortunately, I didn't get very far. Now, the door I had walked out of was a clear glass sliding door. When I was saying goodbye to Sunshine, someone had closed it shut without my knowledge.

Upon impact, I felt this very large vibration start from the right side of my forehead, and just spread outwardly the same way an earthquake violently shakes outwardly from its epicenter. Then I saw every color of the entire spectrum of colored light at the same time just like how Wile E. Coyote gets knocked the fuck out in old Looney Toon cartoons. I don't remember falling at all. Then, I opened my eyes and woke up on the floor with Sunshine looking down at me.

Sunshine: "HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU OKAY?!"

He put his fist in front of his mouth attempting to stifle laughter while trying to convey concern. What the hell happened? I didn't even remember falling. I just kept coughing and choking because I knocked the wind out of myself. I just kept thinking, OH JESUS. WHY ME? WHY GOD, WHY?

Me (Trying to play it off like I didn't just Hussein Bolt sprint into a solid obstruction): "Yeah--*cough*--I'm totally fine. *WHEEZE* Good--great actually."

Sunshine: "Are you sure? You have this huge bump on your head."

I touched my hand to my skin and felt this HUGE welt on my forehead, and tasted metal in my mouth. Oh great, my braces cut up the inside of my lip and I was bleeding from the mouth. SHIT, DAMN IT. Sunshine helped me up off the floor nearly in tears from guffawed laughter. We both looked over at the  glass door and realized I had left a perfect oil silhouette of my face--a clean imprint soiled the newly Windex-ed sliding glass. At that point, Sunshine had lost it and didn't even attempt to restrain himself as he laughed at my expense.

Sunshine left with shits and giggles while I stayed with my concussion. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I learned that I had run into the glass door with so much blunt force that when I knocked myself unconscious, I sustained a concussion. What a class act. No wonder I was single until college.

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